“Bye Mum!” , Betty said as she went out of her house to go to the supermarket. She went there to buy vegetables for her mother to cook. Betty knew it was a hot day, as endless drips of perspiration ran down her cheeks. Upon arriving at the supermarket, she saw a suspicious looking man across the vegetable cart.
He was wearing a cap, sweat pants and a thick coat. “Why would anyone in their right mind want to wear that type of clothing in this type of blisteringly hot weather?” Betty wondered. She knew something fishy was going on. Before Betty could blink an eye the suspicious looking man tucked something under his jacket. Betty immediately noticed that action. Betty turned around and immediately went looking for help. Thankfully lady luck was shining on her, there was a policeman on patrol near by. She raced across the supermarket and alerted the policeman.
“You thief!” Betty shouted, as she ran up to the man. With no thought the man took to his feet. Betty chased after him.” You are going to get yourself hurt!” as he followed behind her. Betty and the policeman was in hot pursuit of the man. They were hot on his heels . Suddenly the man whirled around and grabbed Betty by her throat. Immediately pulled out a knife from his pocket and told the policeman who was giving chase to stop or he would slit Betty`s throat.The policeman stopped in his tracks. He was frightened that the man was going to carry out his threat.
Betty was engulfed with fear. A frightful chill ran down her spine as she perspired cold sweat. The policeman signalled to a passerby to call back up. The thief could not take the emmense pressure and he committed suicide.
Betty returned home from that ordeal, frightened and shaken up. The police deduced that the theif was an illegal immigrant with no money to buy food. Betty will never forget this incident for her whole life.
3 comments:
is it draft 1 or 2?
Dear Vinith,
Well done. I enjoyed myself thoroughly while reading your story. I like the way you slow down and show me how Betty felt. Keep it up! You can also change the part about the man committing suicide due to the pressure. Most of the people will choose to be caught instead.
Edited Version
“"Bye, Mum!" Betty said as she went out of her house to go to the supermarket. She went there to buy vegetables for her mother to cook. It was a hot day and endless drips of perspiration ran down her cheeks. Upon arriving at the supermarket, she saw a suspicious looking man across the vegetable cart.
He was wearing a cap, a pair of sweat pants and a thick coat. “"Why would anyone in their right mind want to wear that type of clothing in this blisteringly hot weather?" Betty wondered. She knew something fishy was going on. Before Betty could blink an eye, the suspicious-looking man tucked something under his jacket. Betty immediately noticed that action. She turned around and immediately went looking for help. Thankfully, Lady Luck was shining on her. She saw a policeman on patrol nearby. She raced across the supermarket and alerted the policeman.
“"You thief!"” Betty shouted, as she ran up to the man. Without any hesitation, the man took to his heels. Both Betty and the policeman were hot on his heels . Suddenly the man whirled around and grabbed Betty by her throat. He immediately pulled out a knife from his pocket and told the policeman who was giving chase to stop or he would slit Betty`s throat.The policeman stopped in his tracks. He was afraid that the man would carry out his threat.
Betty was engulfed with fear. A chill ran down her spine as she broke out in cold sweat. The policeman signalled to a passerby without the man's notice to call for back up. (The thief could not take the emmense pressure and he committed suicide.)This part to be changed in draft 2.
Betty returned home from that ordeal, frightened and shaken up. The police deduced that the theif was an illegal immigrant with no money to buy food after the preliminary investigations. Betty would never forget this incident for her whole life.
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